Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Teri's Greatest Hits
It's my Blog's Greatest Hits!
Instructions: Read through past entries of your LJ/blog and select the best twenty quotes. They can be either in an entry or in a comment, provided you wrote them. Compile them into a single entry and let your friends enjoy themselves. Don't add any explanations; let the quotes stand in all their unadultered glory.
I chose 30 quotes. Because I can never narrow these things down, and I had to dig through three years of blog. They're in order, too, from most recent, to my very first Random Musing.
1. Also, is it just me, or does that cup sound just a wee bit dirty? Let's invite some people we don't even know so we can get jolly under the holly? If that's not euphemism for having sex with strangers under a Christmas tree, I don't know what is.
2. They have milk in a bag!! MILK in a BAG!
3. So in fanfiction, I'm either an underaged student sleeping with Snape, or a teenybopper dating Harry. Liek, OMG, so totally me!
4. Van Helsing should probably have been titled Vampires Don't Wear Hairclips or Dressed to Kill: Hunting the Undead in Style, or Mommy, Where Do Vampire Bat Babies Come From or Is Werewolf an STD?
5. The Cardinal in the confessional traps Van Helsing there by dropping a portcullis out of the ceiling, and leads him down to the Pope Cave -- a secret lair beneath St. Peter's Basilica, where the Pope's Secret Society operates. Men from all religions, under the guidance of the Catholics, are working to vanquish evil for the common good of mankind by developing a number of cool-looking Anti-Evil Weapons. See, Catholicism really is a kick-ass religion. Literally.
6. I am aware that something is Quite Wrong with me... on the other han, I can engeage in conversation with relative ease and carry on a decent discussion. I'm nore talkative than noraml, though, and I find it difficult to walk in a staight line. Stairs were a chore; typing caorrectly is an impossoble feat.
7. And my fellow baristas will henceforth be my COFFEE MINIONS!! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
8. Your barista is: Ludmilla. Evil Overlady. Queen of Destruction. Future World Empress.
Today I recommend: Grande vanilla breve latte. Try it, or face my wrath. You do not want to face my wrath.
It reminds me of: The sweet sound of screaming peasants as they fall before my faithful legions of winged monkeys.
9. Around these budding artists sat a number of young beatniks, many of them sipping wine or coffee, nodding their capped heads to the music. Several were knitting ugly multicoloured scarves, bent over their handiwork like little old ladies at a quilting bee, or like small children over a Game-Boy.
As Micki and I passed this intriguing sight and entered the coffee shop, we heard a low wailing from the stick-thin female hovering vulture-like over the microphone and swaying in time to her back-up music:
"Every day you go to the rat race
with the rats
The rats
The rats
The RATS
crawling through your BRAAAAIIIIN..."
The door closed behind us, and I couldn't help sniggering.
10. lydaclunas7: RJ will be happy to know that I am not slashing Duran Duran and Snape in her blog.
Liz: Pity.
lydaclunas7: I'm slashing Lupin/Duran Duran.
Liz: That's okay. Snape's more of a Depeche Mode sort of guy.
lydaclunas7: I agree. Him and Dave Gahan, I could so see.
11. Of course, I wanted Jon to be "Jesus" (pronounced hey-soos, of course) and recommend his cup of black coffee with the description, "If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for you."
12. After seeing Erica's squid whisk, I kind of want to buy one... and then buy a titanium spork... and make it into a Squid Spork. The utensil of champions, with cephalopodic efficiency.
Oh dear, I'm turning into Liz.
13. After that we dropped by Toys R Us for no other reason than to inspect Gollum action figures, and wonder how exactly the pregnant Barbie doll gives birth (it's a magnet, as we were rudely informed by another woman in the aisle. I suspect we got this cold treatment because she had overheard me refer to one of the BRATZ dolls as a "skanky slutmuffin").
14. Moby-Dick: Classic or Slash Fic?
If I had the guts I'd write my next essay on this.
15. It was on my walk back that the beautiful and romantic notions were destroyed, and the real Italy reared his unattractive, balding head.
16. I would like to share my observation that Italian people cannot drive. I rode in an Italian taxi for the first time today, and let me tell you, there were moments where it was a bit like a near-death experience. Also, I fear I am developing a slight obsession with Smart cars.
17. As we were waiting on our meal, Micki and I looked over and noticed a rather unsavoury scene playing itself out before our eyes: a waitress was sneezing repeatedly into her hands.
"Please wash your hands," I said under my breath.
But of course, the waitress instead picked up plates of food and carried them out to the tables. Thankfully, she wasn't OUR waitress, but it was rather revolting nonetheless. After that, each time she passed our table -- which was quite frequently, since we were right next to the kitchen -- I started saying, "Wash your hands," just loud enough for her to hear. I'm not sure whether she ever took the hint. We also debated about walking up to other customers' tables and informing them that The Dirty Waitress had been their server for the night, and probably laughed about the unsanitary IHOP waitress a lot more than was strictly necessary.
18. I would just like to state for the record that the producers of Ghost were grossly overestimating the romantic qualities of a pottery wheel.
19. Ten seconds later, my clay structure had caved in on itself, and suddenly gained a resemblance to a large, cracked and misshapen pumpkin. I was most displeased. I really felt like kicking the wall, or throwing a piece of greenware at someone, or sacrificing a cat or something.
20. lydaclunas7: Those Elizabethans needed Pot Noodle.
lydaclunas7: Truly.
Mick7151: I think it would have done them good.
lydaclunas7: Indeed. Plastic sporks probably would have rocked their world, too.
Mick7151: oh yes
Mick7151: you know how life-changing a spork could have been.
lydaclunas7: yeah
lydaclunas7: a plastic one especially
lydaclunas7: it would have revolutionized the path of the Renaissance.
lydaclunas7: If they ever invent a time machine...
lydaclunas7: I'm going to go screw up history with a spork.
21. It is chilly outside, and the light precipitation forms a delicate mist that softly dampens everything like a big, wet sneeze.
22. Alas! Teri's pantry is empty of nearly everything but croutons, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Quaker Instant Oatmeal. Milk is absent from the fridge; so oatmeal it is. She debates for a brief moment whether or not croutons would go well with cinnamon spice flavored oatmeal, but decides that it is not the time for experimentation.
23. There are also several shots of George Clooney's butt, which definitely didn't give me any enlightenment on the plot or underlying interpretation of the story -- but whatever.
24. I made fried venison. Nothing exploded, turned colors, or burned to a crisp, either -- and it even tasted good. This is definite progress, especially for someone who manages to burn Kraft macaroni and cheese.
25. After that I can take the lamp out to the parking lot and smash it.
OK, not really. I put a lot of time, effort, and money into this thing. I've been sliced by glass, shocked by electrical thingies, and my left hand is one massive burn. Yes. This lamp deserves a special place and a special purpose.
I'm hoping to pawn it off as a Christmas present.
26. I don't much like the thought of power tools. I mean, come on, I am the person who falls down stairs on a regular basis. Putting sharp movable objects in my hands is probably not the best of ideas.
27. UT ranks #8 for high marijuana useage.
Oh, aren't we special. Go Bonghorns.
28. Now, since I have despised Agent Moronica since she appeared on the show last season, I was completely rooting for her death. (Last season I not-so-secretly hoped that Scully's baby would be one of those man-eating, clawed aliens, and would devour Monica Reyes for breakfast. It was a nice thought, but of course it never happened.)
29. "Mom. I am the World's Most Innocent College Student. How can you say that? It's just ART."
Mom sniffed; I think she might have gone misty-eyed, but I couldn't be entirely sure, though I was sure about the smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "I NEVER wanted you to see a naked man until you were MARRIED," she said vehemently.
30. It was about ten minutes before I realized that I had made a huge mistake. I think it was the inflatable “Bevo” that tipped me off at first -- the plastic effigy of the school mascot is never a good sign -- but it was the arrival of the mass of upper class students, all bearing giant orange “Hook ‘em” novelty foam fingers and yelling “Texas, fight!” that cinched my suspicions.
I was voluntarily attending a gigantic pep rally.
| 2:29 AM |
Who am I? I'm a twenty-two-
